i intimidate?

Sunday Feb 10th 2008

For a while now I know but yet not know that I sometimes intimidate people. And I don’t mean like the “get in your face and show off” thing. I don’t do that. Rather it’s just in the way I present myself. More on that in a moment.

As a kid I was really shy. Super-shy. I basically didn’t say anything to anyone and people generally scared the crap out of me. And there is a phobia for this, it’s called Anthropophobia. Was I a full-blown anthropophobic? Well.. not really. Were you to slap a label on it, the best would would be “jittery”. I got the jitters fairly easily.

It took me years to break that way of thinking. And to be honest I still experience it from time to time. There are instances where I feel that when in a public place everyone is looking at me. But even when I feel that way I just say to myself “Well.. I can’t stop people from looking, so fuggit” and I go along and do my business as usual.

Jitters are dependent on location?

If I walk into a 7-Eleven to grab a pack of smokes I have absolutely no fear at all. None. Zip, zero, zilch. I go in, do my thing, chat with the locals, pay and leave.

If I walk into a place that has a lot of pretty people in it, like a mall, I get nervous. I see scores of hot girls with big boobs and nice butts. It intimidates me. I have NO IDEA why; it just does. But only when I’m alone.

If I am alone I am susceptible to the jitters depending on where I am.

If I am with someone I have no jitters whatsoever.

Fucked up? Yes. Don’t bother asking me to explain it because I literally have no answers.

Maelstrom of b.s. that goes thru the head…

I’m not afraid to admit I’m very self-conscious about the way I look. In all honesty I think everyone is and probably feels exactly the same way I do when in public. Questions pop in to the mind.. “Is s/he looking at me? Why? Am I ugly? What’s the deal?”

The “click”

A long time ago I developed a “switch” that I can turn on when needed. It goes like this:

Let’s say I’m in a situation where I start getting nervous for whatever reason. The worry starts creeping in and I can feel the jitters coming on.

A word pops in my head.

“Fuggit.”

Click.

I get an instant shot of confidence, the jitters go away and I face whatever it is I’m about to face or am facing at that moment.

I do know from personal experience that the vast majority of people absolutely cannot do that. If they get nervous they stay nervous until it rides itself out. I don’t do that. Worry comes from fear. When I detect this, the switch goes on, I face the fear and take whatever is coming.

And yeah, I’m pretty proud of my ability to do that.

Talent intimidates?

Many times I have seen people just bowled over by my talents. Yeah, I know that sounds totally cocky and conceited but I swear to God that’s not my intent with these words.

People get so overwhelmed when they find out what I can do that it makes them feel awestruck.

They read my blog… “Wow! You express yourself so well with words!”

They hear my music… “Wow! I wish I could play like that.. did you really play all that stuff?” Yes, I did.

They see my photography… “Wow! You really have an eye for that! Are you a pro?” No, not a pro. Not yet. Maybe someday.

They see the writing, music and photo skills and are amazed that all this creativity can come out of one man.

So as talented as I am, why aren’t chicks banging down my door? Hm? :-)

I think the reason talent intimidates is because people see what I do, get the awestruck feeling and then immediately feel crappy afterwards because of some inferior feeling that manifested? I wish I could tell everyone who feels that way to not feel that way because everyone has a talent. Everyone has something that they’re really, really good at doing and it’s up to them to discover it.

Don’t put me on a self-imagined pedestal that you can’t reach. Draw inspiration instead; it will serve you much better. Seriously.

You have to remember that a big reason I’m able to do so much creative stuff is because I just get out there and do it - and so should you.

Words that go unsaid that should have been said

I am aware.. of more than a few times.. where a cute girl thought I was hot but could never tell me. She was too nervous, too afraid, too jittery. And the words never came. Whether it was in person or on the internet.

And why couldn’t she express herself?

Because I intimidate her.

I will say up front that I am very accepting of compliments. I like them and can never get enough. It is so AWESOME when it happens. And yes it does happen but not often enough.

Does that make me an attention whore? No. If a girl thinks I’m cute, she should pony up and tell me so because a) it would make me happy and b) she would feel great about finally being able to get the words out. If she’s too fat/skinny/tall/short/whatever, so what? Who cares? Say what you feel or live in agony. Your choice.

In the way I present myself…

This is the part I mentioned at the top of this post.

I’m an Aries. This means I’m brash, sometimes blunt but altogether a nice person.

I am at the point where I don’t care if someone reads “Aries” and thinks “Eww.. astrology.. WHAT A DORK!”

If you feel that way, I truly and honestly don’t give a shit because your best way to find out how I tick is to read up on what an Aries is like. You know that and you know me. There literally isn’t any better way to get to know me other than meeting me in person.

The best people I’ve ever known have a good understanding of the star signs because they know, as I do, that the stars speak volumes about a person. About everyone, actually.

And no I don’t go around dressing in magic robes or chanting.. c’mon, be real here. :-)

Why do I mention all this?

People of the Aries flavor seem to intimidate people by default. It’s just “our thing” I suppose.

So.. if I happen to intimidate you.. there’s really no reason to feel that way. You can put that feeling aside and say hello.

Maybe I’ll say hello back. :-)

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