back in the bubble

Saturday Feb 10th 2007

Today was not a good day. Reason? I had to face myself. Once again, I was reminded in grand fashion that I don’t feel (as in “to feel”) the way others do. As much as I try to convince myself and others that I’m a very easy person to understand, it never comes across that way. Never. Maybe it’s best that I’m labeled (by my own admission) as “difficult”.

At this moment in time I feel terrible. Heartsick. A very low feeling. The kind where you know you’ve made a decision that’s for the best, but at the same time really hurt to do it. That’s the part where you face yourself and have to live with the decisions you make.

Earlier this evening I called Pop. We didn’t talk about my xenophobic tendencies, but rather my idiosyncrasies. We talked about things such as how I’m quick to anger, quick to offend and that I just don’t understand sarcasm.

My father full well understands that sarcasm, to me, is insulting. I don’t “get it”. Never have. Never will. I’m okay with that. Pop said it best in the way that I feel sarcasm is, as he put it, a “challenge to my existence”. Oh yes, Pop is a wise man. No doubt about that.

But then again he’s known me since I was born.

Bob has been quite active today and is swimming around his bowl quite a bit. Every now and then he bops his nose (or what would be his nose) where the bowl ends, as if he’s trying to escape. No matter what size bowl he’s in, there will always be a barrier somewhere. That’s the limitations of his existence.

I sort of feel like that right now. I’m in my own little apartment, surrounded by four walls and very set in my ways. But compared to Bob, I do have a choice. I can get out. And I do. Maybe it’s not very often, but I’m slowly but surely breaking the bubble. I’m still in a phase of adjustment concerning where I live. Florida is still very new to me and I still don’t know very many people. But at least I’m making an effort. That’s what counts.

With that said, I’m going to Pop’s place to sleep there this evening. I really shouldn’t waste gas like this, but.. hmph. I just need to be on the road for a while.

And he’s got cable. :-)

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