Can you buy a friend for 20 bucks?

Wednesday Apr 20th 2005

Guess what, I’m doing the Yahoo Personals again. AAaaahahahaaaaaahahahaa (insert mad viking dance here). This time around I’m doing it a little differently. Previously I just posted a profile and waited for responses. This time I didn’t bother with one and am not going to. I just scout the posts and fire off messages to whoever floats my boat. I sent 4 messages today, and got 2 responses back. Not bad a’tall I say. Not bad.

It was cool to get responses but at the same time initially weird. Why weird? Because before it’d take forever to get a response from anyone. So I thought about it a bit. Then I remembered something.. “Oh yeah, you have to pay to respond.” And yes I paid over a 20 dollar month’s subscription which is what it costs to respond to people.

Bear in mind that Yahoo Personals used to be free a long time ago when the Earth was young, Man was new and dirt was still warm. Well.. maybe not that long ago. But anyway, during the “free years”, there used to be a shitload of spam going through that system, so getting a response was tough at best. The required subscription stopped that cold, so people who use that system these days get messages from actual people. In addition, the subscription weeds out all the cheap bastards who want something for nothing. Some would say “20 bucks a month? darn, that’s expensive.” Not really. Try pricing it against a dating service. The cost doesn’t seem that expensive when you think of it that way.

Does it label me “desperate” to use the personals on the ‘net? Hardly. I use computers a lot so it fits right in with my personality. And it’s not like all of us are extreme social bugs hopping around in happening places. Most of us (including yours truly) work for a living and don’t exactly have the time to do that. Besides which, the majority of girls I’ve dated have come from some sort of online interaction (As a matter of fact, the 2nd girlfriend I ever had came from a DOS based BBS back in the early 90’s when I was still in my teens).

I have one huge advantage with online dating compared to years ago: experience. With age comes wisdom. Here’s what my age and wisdom have taught me (take notes):

1) Humans are disgusting.
We are. All of us. Whether it’s taking a leak in the shower, farting in bed, picking the underwear out of the crack of your ass when it rides up or whatever it is, we all have a “gross” factor. Gross factor is usually determined by your scent, cleanliness (or lack thereof) and how much gross stuff you do in public. Your gross factor is significantly decreased if you practice something called common sense, such as showering every day, wearing a light-scented deodorant and not picking your ass in public OR WHEN WITH WHOEVER YOU’RE WITH. Like I said, it’s all common sense there.

2) Talking and commonalities are important.
I am far past the point of just getting sex with a girl and then calling it a night. Years ago, that was my #1 goal - I’ll admit that. For most guys, that’s still their goal. I, on the other hand, appreciate a girl who can actually talk about interesting stuff I like, like cars or cheesy British humor or whatever. It’s like this: If the goal is sex, once you have it.. where do you go after that. Nowhere, that’s where. It’s better (to me) to have a girl you can actually hang out with and enjoy spending time together. If, for example, I took a girl to a ‘cruise night’, she spots a car and says “Hey, that’s a 1969 Pontiac Judge GTO with the Ram-Air hood!”, I would be so impressed and probably say “Um.. marry me now.” (grin)

3) The only time anyone says “outgoing person” is in the personals.
You will never hear anyone say “I’m an outgoing person.” At least I haven’t. The only time I’ve ever heard this is in personal ads - and I typically AVOID girls who put that word anywhere in their personals post. To me it just sounds like a generic phrase used because you couldn’t think of anything else to say. Bad call. Small note: I think it would be frickin’ hilarious if someone put “I’m an ingoing person”. That would rock.

4) Someone with a “sense of humor”
I positively hate that phrase and I see it ALL THE TIME in personal ads. I saw it back then and I still see it today. Sense of humor, huh? Well, what do you think is funny? Do you find farting bunnies funny? Do you find Democrats funny? Do you find Rice Krispies funny? What humor sense are you looking for? Show by example, such as “I think Monty Python is funny” or something similar. Don’t be generic. If I wanted generic, I can call my credit card company and listen to the automated system tell me my current balance.

Can you buy a friend for 20 bucks?

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